Planned Parenthood Comes to Hogwarts
by We Didn't Start the Fire
Summary: AKA Family Planning Association to Brits. MWPP. This story somehow ended up getting lost and very fragmented as we worked on it, but is still funny. Currently publishing old, unfinished material, so please do not expect updates.


"Hello students," said the man, "I'm Marvin Manson, I'm representing the Family Planning Association of England."

"Family Planning? What kind of muggle nonsense is this?" said Bellatrix Black, loud enough for the presenters to hear.

"Family Planning means only having wanted pregnancies," explained Marvin.

"All pureblood pregnancies are wanted!" she yelled, "Only the mud - muggleborns should have to listen to this!"

"Surely this information will be of some use to you, Miss Black?" said Slughorn.

"And it's required for everyone," said McGonagall with a firm glare.

"So, uh, who can name a form of birth control?" asked the woman presenter, who had not yet introduced herself.

Peter raised his hand uncertainly. The woman pointed at him. "Abstinence?" he said. James and Sirius began laughing hysterically.

"I think that only works for you, Wormtail," said Sirius.

"Oh, like you're getting any?" said James.

"Indeed, abstinence is the most effective form of birth control, but we're going to talk about all the possibilities today," said Marvin.

NEW FRAG

"Actually, condoms are only 85% effective when used alone," said Dorothy. She was much more confident when she was reciting the statistics she'd had drilled into her head, "F.P.A. Recommends using another form of birth control along with condoms."

She paused. "Well?" said Snape nastily, "That's not much help."

"Would you like to tell them what we recommend, Dorothy?" prompted Marvin. She shook her head.

"All, right then," said Marvin, "Here at FPA, we advise either using-"

"Hey, Lily." whispered James. She ignored him. "Hey, Lily!" he said slightly louder.

"What is it, James?"

"Uh...hi?" he hadn't planned this far ahead.

"Can I please listen to the presentation?" said Lily.

"Why do you want to, eh?" said Sirius, who felt the need to join the conversation.

"What?" asked James worriedly, "Are you having sex?"

"No, James," sighed Lily.

"Oh, good," said James. She rolled her eyes. "Wait, are you saving yourself for marriage?" he asked, "Because I don't want to wait that long."

"That's none of your business," she snapped.

"Who here would like a free t-shirt?" asked Marvin, trying to get the attention of the students who were talking amongst themselves. It worked.

"Ooh, t-shirts!" cried Sirius happily.

"I think that young man wants one," said Marvin, gesturing for Dorothy to throw one at him. She tossed the shirt a bit too high, but Sirius managed to catch it by jumping. The shirt was bright green, with the words 'Use condom sense' in big block letters on the front, and the FPA logo on the back. Sirius immediately put it on, over his robes.

"How do I look?" Sirius asked the group, preening a bit as he modelled the shirt.

"Like a sucker for free t-shirts," Remus said dryly.

"You're just jealous," Sirius said, looking slightly miffed.

"He could get his own shirt if he wanted," Peter pointed out.

"Wanker," Sirius said to either Peter or Remus; it was a bit ambiguous, since he was now glowering at the back of the person in front of him.

Meanwhile, Dorothy had distributed another shirt. She had offered one to several students, but all had declined except Lily, who felt sorry for Dorothy and took one out of pity. Marvin was also offering shirts, with even less success. Unfortunately for the easily embarrassed, Marvin happened to overhear Sirius' comment of "wanker."

"You there, with the t-shirt!" Marvin began. "You should know, as should all the students here, that 'wanking' mustn't be looked down upon. Indeed, masturbation is a good way to deal with your urges while practicing abstinence. After all, if my parents had only avoided each other and masturbated instead, I wouldn't be here, annoying you right now! Hah, uh-haha!" Marvin evidently thought he was being self-effacingly clever.

"Yeah, but if my parents..." began Sirius, then stopped. A look of horror crossed his face.

"You were saying?" asked Remus, annoyed by years of Sirius not finishing what he was saying.

"My parents..had sex. My mother had sex!" said Sirius disgustedly.

"Had you somehow failed to realise this until now?" asked Lily.

"Many people prefer to see their parents as non-sexual, and can be disturbed by the thought their parents must have had sex to create them. At FPA, we believe this is unhealthy, and encourage teenagers to discuss sex with their parents, " said Marvin.

Sirius ignored all of this. "My mom!" he cried, "How the hell did my mom get laid?"

"Now I'm imagining your mom naked!" cried James in a tone of equal horror, "How do I get that image out of my head?!"

"Can we please get back to the presentation?" asked Lily exasperatedly.

"Think about Lily naked instead," Peter suggested, ignoring what Lily had said. A look of calm came over James' face as his eyelids drooped shut. A grin spread across his face slowly.

"Dear Merlin what have you done, I think he's in a trance," Remus said, so aghast that he forgot to properly puncuate his question with his voice.

"Don't worry, _I'll_ fix it," a livid Lily growled. She swiftly slapped James across the face.

NEW FRAG

James was positively gaping. As the Marauders sat in the back of the Great Hall, Remus followed James' gaze to see what had arrested his friend's attention.

"Really, James," he said, rolling his eyes when he figured out what it was. "A person would think you've never seen a pregnant woman before."

"But I haven't!" James protested, still somewhat gaping.

"I think it was a mistake taking him out from under that rock he used to live under," Sirius said with a grin.

The pregnant woman reached the front of the Great Hall, followed closely by a man dressed in all purple Muggle clothing and a rainbow-striped floppy felt tophat. The woman began to speak to the gathered crowd of sixth and seventh years, plus a few teachers.

"What did she just say?" Peter hissed at the Marauders after barely a millisecond had passed.

"Shush! I don't know!" James said irritatedly.

"OY!" yelled Sirius with his hands cupped around his mouth. "We can't hear you, lady!"

The woman began blushing furiously. She nervously glanced around, then approached Dumbledore in the audience. After a brief conversation, James saw Dumbledore wave his wand at the woman's throat, then beckoned for the man to come over and did the same to him.

"Can you hear me now?" the woman asked timidly. Sirius gave her two giant thumbs-up.

"Hello students," said the man, "I'm Marvin Manson, I'm representing the Family Planning Association of England."

"Family Planning? What kind of muggle nonsense is this?" said Bellatrix Black, loud enough for the presenters to hear.

"Family Planning means only having wanted pregnancies," explained Marvin.

"All pureblood pregnancies are wanted!" she yelled, "Only the mud - muggleborns should have to listen to this!"

"Surely this information will be of some use to you, Miss Black?" said Slughorn.

"And it's required for everyone," said McGonagall with a firm glare.

"So, uh, who can name a form of birth control?" asked the woman presenter, who had not yet introduced herself.

Peter raised his hand uncertainly. The woman pointed at him. "Abstinence?" he said. James and Sirius began laughing hysterically.

"I think that only works for you, Wormtail," said Sirius.

"Oh, like you're getting any?" said James.

"Indeed, abstinence is the most effective form of birth control, but we're going to talk about all the possibilities today," said Marvin. "My colleague, Dorothy Sawyer, has for us a chart representing all the different forms of birth control, and she will now explain each of them to us. Dorothy retrieved a piece of posterboard that was leaning against the wall with condoms, packs of the Pill, and other birth control devices stapled to it.

"Okay, so, um, this here is a condom," Dorothy said as she pointed, "and it goes over the, uh, the penis, to make a barrier that the sperm can't pass through. I'm going to demonstrate the use of one on a banana."

"Are you sure you know how?" said a snide voice in the Slytherin area. It was Snape.

"Er, well, I work for FPA, you see --"

"Interesting," interrupted Snape, sounding not in the least interested. "If you are so highly qualified, I fail to see how you arrived at your...current state."

Dorothy's face turned an even brighter shade of red. "Well, they can tear, you see, and that's how, um, how I think it happened."

"So you're saying condoms are unreliable?" Snape drolled.

"Leave her alone, you git!" Sirius yelled.

"Actually, condoms are only 85% effective when used alone," said Dorothy. She was much more confident when she was reciting the statistics she'd has drilled into her head, "F.P.A. Recommends using another form of birth control along with condoms."

She paused. "Well?" said Snape nastily, "That's not much help."

"Would you like to tell them what we recommend, Dorothy?" prompted Marvin. She shook her head.

"All, right then," said Marvin, "Here at FPA, we advise either using-"

"Hey, Lily." whispered James. She ignored him. "Hey, Lily!" he said slightly louder.

"What is it, James?"

"Uh...hi?" he hadn't planned this far ahead.

"Can I please listen to the presentation?" said Lily.

"Why do you want, eh?" said Sirius, who felt the need to join the conversation.

"What?" asked James worriedly, "Are you having sex?"

"No, James," sighed Lily.

"Oh, good," said James. She rolled her eyes. "Wait, are you saving yourself for marriage?" he asked, "Because I don't want to wait that long."

"That's none of your business," she snapped.

"Who here would like a free t-shirt?" asked Marvin, trying to get the attention of the students who were talking amongst themselves. It worked.

"Ooh, t-shirts!" cried Sirius happily.

"I think that young man wants one," said Marvin, gesturing fro Dorothy to throw one at him. She tossed the shirt a bit too high, but Sirius managed to catch it by jumping. The shirt was bright green, with the words 'Use condom sense' in big block letters on the front, and the FPA logo on the back. Sirius immediately put it on, over his robes.


End file.
